I don't even know how to do this anymore.

I was just reading some of my old posts, most of which are private, and questioning what the hell is wrong with me? I get overly involved in such utter nonsense, most of which that meant little then and means nothing now. I was prompted to look back when I recently and inadvertently invited some drama into my life. It's really none of my business and none of my concern, but I never seem to know what I'm getting into before I get into it.

I used to have such a fascination with people. I wanted to know everything about why they felt the way they do. I wasn't disappointed in my self-conducted research, but I was overwhelmed by it and consumed. Now that I understand myself a little better, it doesn't seem so interesting. I was addicted to my own empathy. Maybe I just wasn't reading enough then. I'd much rather pick up a book and put it down than have to deal with the irrational and irritating behavior of other people now. I'm losing patience as quickly as I'm running out of time.

Some time last year I went down to Jersey again to visit Chris and Barb at their house. I let Mike know, in case he wanted to come see me. He did come to see me, he met Scott, and everything seemed as fine as it was the last few days before I moved to Massachusetts to be with Scott. Our relationship, although turbulent toward the end, ended reasonably. We hung out a couple times, he was still Mike to me.

A month or two ago, I texted him to see how things were. I got a text back that said something along the lines of, "This Erin, Mike's girlfriend. I would like it if you never contact him again." So, I said, "I can understand why you might feel that way, but there's no reason to be insecure." She said something about how she doesn't like my "kind" and that I need to get over it. (What...?) And for the record, he cheated on me in 2006, I cheated on him in 2007. I'm not proud of it, and I'm sure he isn't either, but she has no reason to believe "my kind" is any different than his.

I messaged Mike via Facebook the next day and told him that it doesn't matter what either of us did, that I'll still care about him, and that if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore he can let me know by taking me off his friends. Of course he did just that. Only later did I find out that he's dating a girl who is 17 years old. He's turning 28 in a few days. I mean, I know things change, but seriously? When did he become such a loser? I never pretended to think he was very intellectual stimulating, but we started dating before this girl was even menstruating. It's been 10 years now since I met him and since we became friends. It means nothing now. I'm hurt, but I suppose it's no real loss. His Facebook says he's engaged. I don't believe it. (Literally, I think his girlfriend is just forcing him to do things like change his status and whatnot.) I think that's sad.

I'm feeling: calm

If I thought my life was changing fast then, I just didn't know what was going to happen next, did I?
I don't really feel like talking about it.

Let's talk about my, "I'm crrraaaaaazy!" (Mike Birbiglia).
Actually, let's talk about Mike Birbiglia and how much I love him.
"What I should have said was nothing. What I did say, was: You'd be surprised."
I wish it hadn't sold out before I got tickets to see him earlier this year.
Ohhhhkay. Maybe I'm better at being avoidant than I thought.
Awesome, that makes things so much easier.

So, I've been crocheting stuffed animals lately. Apparently they call that 'amigurumi', which actually refers to knitted stuffed animals, but recently crocheted versions have become popular. I can't imagine knitting them... but I'm a terrible knitter, so. Anything to stay occupied.

Note to self: don't forget to talk to Stephen. Durr.

My life is changing so quickly lately.
One day I'm in what I would call a stable relationship, with a stable job, and a stable place to live...
The next day, I have none of that. Except for the job.
Not that I'd have it any other way, it's altogether necessary for things to be shaken up like this right now.
I'm regaining stability to the point of being acceptably comfortable with only minor uncertainty.
I'd like to think of myself as adaptable.

Anyway. I hate it when I don't memory something, and it's impossible to remember where I saw it. Or when.
This cool chick made some awesome hand-crafted journals and posted pictures of them and linked to her Etsy shop.
Now I can't find it.
And there are way too many journals listed on Etsy to find it that way.
I'm sure it was from a community, but hell if I remember which.
Damn it.

Yes, and so. I decided that there are too many things I want to do that have nothing to do with working.
It was actually less of a decision, as much as it was... a realization.
I complain of not having enough time, all of the time... and I really don't, but.
Maybe if that extra 20 hours a week (which gets sucked up into taxes mostly anyway) were free,
I could maintain a clean house AND have enough time to explore the world.

I have plans to meet Chaddy some time in December,
and I don't care if he's just being silly about his ardor,
I still want to meet him if he's really going to be in Delaware.
It's too close not to. Especially since he has such a pretty face.
And I am just excited to meet people.

It's such a shame, I was almost ready to rejoin my favorite textual habit,
but my purpose therein has been given away.
My own fault really, but it was so close.

Bunnie (the cat) is using a skein of yarn as a pillow.

I'm listening to: VNV Nation - Darkangel (gabriel)

So cold, must sleep.
Sinus headache.
Shouldn't have walked to the store at 3am.
At least a sinus headache is the worst that came of it.
I am hyperparanoid.
Should have cleaned the bathroom.
Could have played FFVIII.

First of all, I wish I had known that Jason wasn't going to be able to make it to work early.
But even if I had known, this probably would have happened anyway.
I stayed up too late, and now it's too late to go to sleep...
If I sleep now, I won't wake up in time.
I have to get to work early enough to do the order,
then go to a doctor appointment by noon-thirty.
The order could potentially take as little as an hour,
But the rate I've been managing it... an hour is going to be horribly impossible.

I should have went to sleep!

I'm feeling: awake